You know what’s really sad? I have heard people say “O M G” when I am physically in their presence. Hm?
Anyways, I realized that something was off when I looked back and saw my last blog post was in February. We cannot have that anymore! I guess the biggest story is graduating from college. I find it absolutely hilarious to read back on my journal entries (both on and offline) from when I was a wee freshman and compare them with what I believe and who I am today. I know that they say that you grow and stuff, but…I would venture to say that the Tara of 2004 was a completely different person from the one typing this blog tonight. Let’s review:
Tara-2004
Religious Affiliation: Evangelical Christian…gay=hellbound, cursing=sinful, alcohol=of the devil, anything not focused on Jesus=the fire of hell will be upon you.
Homo-PHOBE
Favorite Music: Bela Fleck and Miles Davis…jazz nut
Career Plans: Some kinda revolutionary (yeah I don’t know how I reconciled the evangelical Christian thing with that) and being a walking Guitar Hero
Instrument of Choice: Gee-tar 4 Life!
Biggest aspiration: Play alongside Bela Fleck somehow
Tara-2008
Religious Affiliation: What the HELL was I thinking back then?
Cried when I heard Ellen announce she was going to marry Portia
Favorite Music: Mute Math, Beach Boys-influenced pop, and Subtle
Career Plans: Arts Administrator, Events Planner and Indie Music Scenester
Instruments of Choice: Guitar, Keys, Drums, a little bass, and mandolin
Biggest Aspiration: Opening up a school for the arts in Baltimore
Oh yeah and my hair is red now. Well…I have red streaks. So yes, things have dramatically changed in this camp. I seriously dreaded becoming one of those Christians who claimed that they loved the Lord but led an “alternative lifestyle” and I have turned into my worst fear (and probably my ex churches’, mother’s and old comrades’ too)! I’m really starting to buy into that whole ‘the only thing to fear is fear itself’ mantra.
After all these years I still can’t tell you exactly what I was so afraid of? That the gay community would threaten the “sanctity” of marriage? That not going to church on Sunday mornings and volunteering to be a part of the service would land me a spot in hell? Or maybe consuming a beer really will drive you to smoking crack and becoming pregnant. I don’t understand how I justified my “religion” of exclusion and judgment.
Yes, there are many days when I wake up and wonder what will happen after this life is over. And yes there are even more days when I stumble across TBN and get goosebumps when a self-proclaimed prophet talks about the rapture and how we are living in the end times. I’m not claiming that the way I live or the philosophies I believe in have somehow resulted in a warm blanket of comfort and security. I was much more comfortable and secure in my “hell-fire and damnation” days. I “knew” that there was a clear right and wrong, a clear good and evil, the battle lines were very clearly drawn. These days, I don’t have that same warm and fuzzy feeling when I think about spiritual matters. I don’t dream about the golden streets, St. Peter at the gates and mansions anymore. It is very discomforting to consider the various religious beliefs in the world and to feel strangely attached to most of them.
Yet I somehow I feel more peaceful than I ever have. I also feel more alive and spiritually connected to the world than I ever have before. I see Yahweh, the Most High in just about everything that I do and everywhere I go. In the teachings of Rabbis, in the music of anarchist punk bands searching for meaning, in the poetry of Pablo Neruda detailing the beauty of falling in love…God truly is everywhere.
And as discomforting, ambiguous, new-age, hippie-ish, and un-Christian as that may sound, that is what I honestly believe with my entire heart.
As my beloved graduation date approaches, I’ve been wondering/worrying/contemplating what the future holds. I suppose that this wondering/worrying/contemplating thing hit me hard at the beginning of last semester. I had a lot of goals but I didn’t really feel that I had the means or even adequate plans to accomplish them. If you knew me last September I guarantee you remember it well , I was pretty miserable and quit everything from playing music to attending church. I’m glad that I did. Stepping back from everything gave me a new and fresh perspective on things. I never really thought about what my deepest dreams and goals were and more importantly why they meant so much to me. It was really reading through Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that helped me start asking those questions. Like he says, if you’re climbing a ladder of success without examining what it’s leaning against, you’ll be in for a big disappointment down the road after discovering you’re in the wrong place after all your hard work. Whether your goal is to lose weight for the new year, start your own business, or pick up a new hobby you should always ask yourself why you’re doing it and only spend large quantities of time on things that will really contribute to your life overall. Philosophers always throw out the big question “If you could obtain everything in the world that you ever dreamed of, would you truly be happy?” The answer is absolutely not if you’re not grounded in a mission or purpose.
The author of one of my new favorite blogs (I Will Change Your Life . Com) went through a similar process as I did in 2007 and made this great post with 50 tips I highly recommend.
I would say that my major goals and dreams have remained largely the same, but now I understand the context better and I’m absolutely thrilled to spend each day living in harmony with who I truly am as a person.
The new video is golden. I was just talking with somebody else about how fresh music really defined decades in the 20th century. It’s sad to see how so much of this era’s music is being suppressed *cough*ClearChannelcaptalistmonopoly*cough*. While the indie scene is making huge waves these days, it still has a ways to go before reaching the “masses”. In my opinion it wasn’t like that before. There was so much cutting edge material reaching the masses in just about every decade. Anyways…here is the latest Erykah Badu video. I was sooooo upset when they pushed her original release date back, but it’s worth the wait after seeing this video. I love how artists like Badu and M.I.A. are incorporating a new visual artsy look with their music.
For some reason I’ve been on an “inspirational movie” kick lately. Tonight’s choice in cinema was Dead Poet’s Society. I admit that I have deeply toyed with the idea of becoming teacher this summer. Teachers and rock stars are on the same page in my book You have the opportunity to influence so many people, in my opinion.
I had so many fantastic classes this semester…didn’t have one bad class out of the group for a change. If I was forced in some sort of Jack Bauer induced torture method to choose a favorite class I think I would have to go with my Intro to Judaic Studies course. This professor was a B-E-A-S-T and did his beastly thing old skool…no Powerpoints, no movies, no music, ONE book, WHO DOES THAT? That’s what teaching is all about in my opinion, you know that you were meant to teach if you can hold your class’s interest by your presence alone. I can not imagine trying to teach without costumes, songs, dancing and video games these days. But teach without props, he did. I left my laptop in my dorm room willingly and brought paper and pen to class with me to absorb his every word.
I love teachers/professors who use the Covey principle of Paradigm Shifting in their classrooms (whether they know it or not). Academia is often bogged down by tradition. When I signed up for this class I was expecting to get the traditional overview class…read a bunch of things about Jewish history and culture, watch some movies and maybe hear from a guest speaker. Nope. Dude took us through a completely different aspect of Jewish history. How did Jewish intellectual thought shape the destiny of the community? Complete paradigm shift. The sick part about this class was how much he knew. There are too many posers in academia. It’s so easy to see who is a leader and who is a manager…who is wise and who is smart…who wants to teach and who likes to hear themselves talk.
I want my students to stand on desks and call me captain without me having to show one video. That is all.
Whenever I get a chance to actually watch television I find myself watching somebody promote their book on BookTV or watch Cops. I just can’t bear to watch my favorite television programs live anymore. There is something powerful about watching a story unfold commercial free that appeals to me, I don’t know what it is. During breaks, I usually get my fair share of Cspan (BookTV is the greatest, I must say). Lots of great authors spoke, debated and lectured on the program awhile ago including Lee Iacocca. Lee’s new book is entitled Where have all the Leaders gone?
I think about that question everyday, literally. Recently I surmised that my frustration is probably characteristic of every young person who has ever lived. Don’t we all get frustrated with lack of leadership at some point in our lives? Here was this 82 year old retired businessman expressing the same frustration about the state of America’s business and political leaders that I frequently express.
My new hero, Mr. Stephen Covey, author of The 7 habits of highly effective people as well as First Things First to name a few always brings up leadership in his works. We seem to have this obsession with management. Political figureheads, pastors, teachers, professors, and so on. It really doesn’t matter what your career title is, chances are you have been sucked into the management paradigm. As I have been writing and re-writing my senior thesis I’ve read thousands and thousands of pages on Baltimore history, urban policy, education policy and old newspapers. The drug problem we have in Baltimore, the education crisis… it all seems to stem from this management paradigm thing. Elected officials are faced with the same problems each year and focus on controlling chaotic situations, maybe spearheading some new programs here and there, but by and large it’s the same old song and dance routine.
Shane Claibourne for president!!! That dude should seriously run for office….
, I was pretty miserable and quit everything from playing music to attending church. I’m glad that I did. Stepping back from everything gave me a new and fresh perspective on things. I never really thought about what my deepest dreams and goals were and more importantly why they meant so much to me. It was really reading through Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that helped me start asking those questions. Like he says, if you’re climbing a ladder of success without examining what it’s leaning against, you’ll be in for a big disappointment down the road after discovering you’re in the wrong place after all your hard work. Whether your goal is to lose weight for the new year, start your own business, or pick up a new hobby you should always ask yourself why you’re doing it and only spend large quantities of time on things that will really contribute to your life overall. Philosophers always throw out the big question “If you could obtain everything in the world that you ever dreamed of, would you truly be happy?” The answer is absolutely not if you’re not grounded in a mission or purpose.
You have the opportunity to influence so many people, in my opinion.